Lost it All
by Running Up Fawn
Summary: J/S. Just Samantha's thoughts as she drives, set to Lifehouse's "Spin".


Disclaimer: The characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer, and...not me. The song is Lifehouse's Spin which I had no part in creating.  
  
The following is just me, awake at 1:15, rambling incoherently and taking extreme liberties with Samantha's character. No real spoilers, I don't think.  
  
Lost it All  
  
"I'd rather chase your shadow all my life than be afraid of my own.."  
  
The morning July sunshine sparkled on her windshield as a warm, gentle breeze played through the open window, slightly teasing the thin blonde hair on her bare arms. Beautiful weather always served to elate Samantha's spirits and this morning was no exception. For now, she was alone, alone with the sun and the breeze and her car and the road and the curiously familiar lyrics playing on the radio she usually ignored. Alone too, with her thoughts. Those she could never ignore. Sam was okay with being alone. But only for now, she recognized, as she guided the vehicle steadily over roads she knew well, making turns that at this point she didn't even need to think about. Because while Samantha was okay with being alone...  
  
"I'd rather be with you.."  
  
...she didn't particularly like it. For awhile, Samantha had almost convinced herself that she was fine on her own. She didn't want to rely on others for anything, and certainly didn't want to need, didn't want the insecurities and weakness and commitment that came with the formation of relationships. The choice, however, wasn't hers to make, as she soon realized. Sam's sense of complete independence had been destroyed the minute she met Jack Malone.  
  
"I'd rather not know where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know.."  
  
Samantha was grateful that her subconscious knew the roads she was traveling, because her memory was taking her on a ride of its own. She remembered her first day at the Missing Persons Unit, all rookie energy and flash, determined and ready to make a difference. She remembered too, the first time she had locked eyes with her supervisor, his a world of depth and weary knowledge, so jaded that it frightened her. In that moment, though, as she searched the dark pools she saw a faint yet irrepressible glimmer of hope, and that became her secret mission. Before she knew his name, before she knew about his troubled marriage, before she knew anything about him, Samantha resolved to emblazen that dying gleam of hope, to give this man back the feeling that had driven her to chose this line of work, to show him that the world was better and safer because of everything he did.  
  
"And the world keeps spinning round.."  
  
It was a silly undertaking, she realized now, but one that she had clung to and still did. Slowly, she had worked her way into his life, interwoven her light and enthusiasm with his inner strength and necessary roughness, until the two became a perfect balance, each reflecting the other's strengths and weaknesses as they formed a bond, a connection deep enough to allow them a sense of fragile peace and warmth when they were together, amidst a world of so much darkness and cold.  
  
"My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing.."  
  
Samantha thought about the third case she had worked at the Missing Persons Unit. The case would forever be engrained in her mind, as it was the first she had worked in which the missing person was found dead. The memory was vivid and sharp, and even now her heart clenched as she recalled seeing the cold, lifeless body of the ten year old girl. Sam's body had gone completely numb, as unfeeling as the body of the little girl's and as she turned in shock from the horrifying sight in front of her, her desperate eyes had met Jack's. The black pools were the softest she had ever seen them, full of sorrow and compassion for the little girl but also pillars of support for Samantha, and as he held her wild gaze with his own Sam felt some of the life flow back into her. A gentle touch on her shoulder and Samantha could breathe again.  
  
"I've got nothing else to lose.."  
  
That, she knew, had been the beginning of the connection that was now so strong between them. Jack taught her, slowly, letting her experience and learn at her own pace, how to let things go, how to build up an outer toughness that allowed her to deal with the terrors of the job without disturbing her inner spirit and compassion. Sam, in return, had renewed a sense of hope in Jack, reignited a light inside that he thought had burned out years ago. And that was all she had intended to do. Never had she wanted to be, in her mind at least, a catalyst for the termination of Jack's rocky marriage. Even when she felt herself falling, when she knew she craved so much more than a professional relationship or even a friendship would allow, Sam had tried to hold back, to carry on as usual, because making things more difficult for Jack was something she never wanted to do. If the feelings had been one-sided, Samantha was sure they would have eventually faded. But she hadn't prepared for the deep fire in Jack's eyes, for his smoldering touch, for the confirmation in his low voice as he assured her that her feelings were indeed returned. And on that first night, as they both rode the crashing wave of breathtaking familiarity intertwined with stunning, foreign passion, Samantha knew that the blaze aglow inside of her, the fire that went so much deeper than anything merely physical, would be alive for as long as she could look into the endless depths of Jack's eyes and see it reflected there.  
  
"I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change a thing.."  
  
Samantha slid the vehicle to a jarring stop along the curb, throwing the car into park. Her mind was still a whirlwind of memories, and she needed a moment to gather herself. As she sat, she allowed the words of the song that was still playing to wash over her. Had she lost something when she found Jack? Sam smiled to herself; something? More like everything. Her mind, her heart, her good sense, not to mention the precarious line on which she continually placed her job.yet none of these things mattered much to Samantha as she turned off the car and walked up the sidewalk, heard the brown door open even before she reached it, saw Jack's brilliant smile and dancing black eyes, and felt strong arms close around her as she wrapped her own around his solid, comforting form. When she heard his low, melodic voice whisper in her ear, Sam knew she didn't really care what she had lost because it could never measure up to what she found.  
  
"No you and I wouldn't change a thing.." [end] 


End file.
